when you dine with the cannibals

In the last couple of days at the library we had an older guy creepily readjusting his underwear while asking staff at our desk to “take a little walk” with him in the video section, a security guy catching one of our visually impaired patrons using the special computer terminal for the visually impaired to look at porn, and another patron seeking KISS’ manager’s contact information so he could invite Gene Simmons out for kosher food when the band is in town. I had to go through the entire freaking KISS tour schedule for that guy to spot the gaps where they might be able to fit an extra show in if he asked very nicely.

Last night Beard Lady was in a really great mood, trying to find out which came first, Pyramids or Ziggurats. Then while we were researching she was giddily laughing about the hair on the Sphinx and I said “It’s not hair; it’s stone!”

“No no no,” she replied, “You can’t fool me. That’s hair and I know it. And the people who built it we don’t know what they ate. They were all cannibals.”

“Actually part of the reason they could build the Pyramids was because of the surplus food storage made possible by the annual Nile flooding and…”

“Cannibals.”

“Maybe the odd time-travelling serial killer,” I said, “but…”

“In all your 20 thousand videos here,” she jumped tracks, “it’s amazing that not one talks about immortality except the Highlander.”

“That’s not true. What about The Fountain?”

“What?”

“It’s all about immortality. Here, wait a second.” I found it on the shelf and gave it to her. “It doesn’t have any nudity.”

“No kissing?”

I thought. “The explorer might kiss the Queen of Spain on the hand.”

“Oh that’s good. I don’t like pornography.”

“I know.”

She’s looking at the back of the case. “But he’s so dirty.”

“Yes, he’s a Spanish explorer, trying o find…”

“And these pictures are in circles. That means they aren’t educated. When you graduate you wear a square hat and that means you are educated. The tiles in my bathroom are all square so that symbolizes education and knowledge. And circle means female. In the dictionary under Symbolism. Circle means female. Square means educated.”

“But the circles are like portholes on a ship. Letting you see out and through what you’re passing by. Maybe your floor should get some circular tiles because right now it’s educated but blind.” May I add that I love getting into these discussions with Beard Lady? I just wish she’d actually listen.

“No no no. Circle is female and he’s too dirty. Like a caveman. That’s not immortality.” And then she laughed and laughed as she headed down the stairs.

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